Today, as I was listening to Sharon Salzburg’s podcast The Metta Hour, she said something about beginning again. Beginning again. That’s what meditation is all about, allowing ourselves the grace to begin again and again and again. Every time our mind floats away, we bring ourselves back without judgement. Understanding that this is just part of the meditation process gives us freedom to notice that magic moment when we realize that the mind has shifted away, and we feel masterful when we bring ourselves back. The positive reinforcement is built into the process. Beginning again is written into the script. For years I’ve told new meditators to begin again without judgement. And, yet, until just now, I didn’t connect this powerful concept to the rest of life. Of course, I give lip service to it, but I didn’t really allow myself to fail without judgement.
What if we allowed ourselves to begin again without judgement in every aspect of life? Think about it. Wouldn’t it be great to see mistakes as part of the process and plan for them?
Let’s take for example New Year’s Resolutions…fitting for the time of year. I usually use them as an opportunity to try to lose weight, to exercise, to eat well, to be healthier…. but these goals always come with a perceived judgement attached. I should never have gained the weight, eaten badly, or chosen unhealthy habits in the first place. The do over feels like punishment. Okay, now I’ll live on carrot sticks water and shame for the next month until I say forget it and turn back to my old habits, end up feeling terrible about myself and I never achieve my goals because I’m constantly carrying around the baggage of old failure. But if we treated everything like we treat practicing meditation, we could just begin again when we hit a bump in the road. This idea makes perfect sense. Why didn’t it ever occur to me?
Every year after year, day after day. I beat myself up for failing. Remember that year I was going to meditate every day? Failed. Remember that time I was going to take a year and systematically practice the things I recommend to my clients? Failed. Remember that time I was going to bake banana bread every time the bananas turned brown…failed failed failed.
So, I propose that we build failure into the process. We practice learning from the failed attempts. Then we allow ourselves to begin again without judgement, without mentally thrashing ourselves. Without the punishment…Because that doesn’t work.
Punishment only tells us what we are doing wrong, it does not point out and reinforce what we are doing right. If we punish failure, we are sending the message loud and clear that it’s dangerous to try.
The failure mindset gets us into trouble in other ways as well. Today someone told me they were weaning off their antidepressant and she hopes she can manage without it, or she will feel like a failure. Of course, logically I know that needing antidepressants is not a failure of will or moral character, and yet I understand this perspective because I remember having the same thought when I was in the early years of my depression diagnosis. Still, I want to reframe it. Take failure out of the equations and allow that depression comes and goes during a lifetime, and just as with everything else some we want to look at the whole picture, positively reinforce what works, correct what doesn’t and allow ourselves to begin again.
Now let’s take a few minutes to practice beginning again.
Find a comfortable seat, close your eye, or soften your gaze. Begin to pay attention to the breath. Where do you notice the sensation of breathing? Moving into your nose, cooling the back of your throat, filing your lungs? Focus all your attention on the sensation of the breath
Without judgement. Allow everything else to melt away. Just be here now with your breath. Let go of thoughts, emotions, and other sensations. Focus fully on the breath.
If you find your mind has moved away from the breath, remember that is part of the process. And just bring yourself back. Begin again. Without judgement, without perceived failure, with loving kindness and compassion.
Beginning again is the point of this practice. When you realize your attention has shifted away and you return it to the breath you are cultivating awareness. When you initially practicing beginning again, you might find your mind floating to old blame, shame and shoulds, old massages of failure. That’s understandable, we are creatures of habit and shifting our mindset is hard. Still, stories of criticism and failure don’t serve you, they are ineffective and unnecessary. Let them go and begin again.
Slowly shift your attention away from your breath, open your eyes and return your focus to the room.
So the next time you make a mistake don’t throw in the towel allow yourself to reset and begin again.
If you connected with what you read here and you want to work with me, send me a message through my contact page.
An audio version of Begin Again is also available in my podcast A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.