When emotions run hot it is almost impossible to think clearly enough to solve problems. Yet, when we’re angry, anxious, or afraid all we want is to feel better and more often than not our minds deceive us into believing if we figure out what’s wrong and fix the situation we’ll feel better, but that strategy is rarely effective. In fact, trying to fix a problem when emotional arousal is high will often make the situation worse.
Think about it, have you ever solved a problem when your angry? I know I haven’t. Instead, I’ve bombarded my husband with texts, yelled at my kids, slammed doors or worse leaving me feeling guilty and ashamed on top of being angry. Intense emotions trick our brain into doing things that are ineffective. NO Problem is ever solved in the heat of the moment. Emotional arousal need to be reduced significantly before making a wise decision about what to do next.
Today, I’m going to share a breathing exercise that can quickly and effectively decrease emotional arousal so you can make the next right choice. It’s a guided meditation called Paced Breathing. It’s a Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skill that rapidly sends a message to your mind and body to stop the fight or flight process by triggering your parasympathetic nervous system. This happens when you slow the breath and make the inhale shorter than the exhale. Keep in mind this skill is not intended to solve all your problems or even make you feel better. The goal of this exercise is to get from one moment to the next without making the situation worse.
Paced Breathing one of the DBT TIPP Skills, used as a first line of defense when emotional intensity is at it's highest.
TO BEGIN
Close your eyes if you wish and take a few long, slow, deep breaths. Breath in for 4 seconds and breath out for 6
Breath in 1 and 2 and 3 and 4
Breath out 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6
Breath in 1 and 2 and 3 and 4
Breath out 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6
Notice the sensation of the air moving in through your noise and filling your lungs. And notice how it feels to breath out. Allow yourself to let go of stress, tension, and emotional suffering with each breath.
As you continue to breath in for 4 and out for 6, notice how your emotional arousal is starting to dissipate, your body is starting to relax, and your wise mind is starting to return. Continue breathing in for 4 and out for 6.
If your mind drifts away gently bring yourself back to the breath without judgement. Drifting away is part of any mindfulness practice. It’s perfectly normal and expected.
Continue to breath in for 4 and out for 6. Noticing the sensation of the breath moving through your body.
Be mindful of how your emotions have shifted during this practice. You might notice you’re able to think more clearly, act less impulsively, problem solve more effectively. Or maybe you’re not ready to problem solve and you need to further distract or self-soothe. Either way it’s okay. What matters most is you’re now able to make a choice that won’t make the situation and your suffering worse.
If there’s any remaining tension in your body breath into it, relax around it, let it go. Allow yourself to let go of all that no longer serves you.
Now take a few more long, slow, deep breaths and when you’re ready open your eyes and return your focus to the room.
Now that you’re in a more mindful state take a moment to decide how to proceed. Are you ready to dive into problem solving or do you need to process by journaling or calling a friend, or maybe you need to self-soothe with a hot bath a weighted blanket or a cup of tea. You can find more suggestions on my Creating a Crisis Survival Kit blog post.
If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the Paced Breathing Meditation is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.