When teen emotions run high all of us (parents and kids) want to make it better. Our initial impulse is usually to make every attempt to fix the problem. But our frantic attempts to use our reasonable mind when we’re so out of control will only make the situation worse. We can’t problem solve our way out of an intense emotion.
What can you do instead? Reach for your self-soothing kit. Creating a self-soothing kit takes planning ahead, but it’s worth it to manage meltdowns. They may happen a lot or a little in your house, but they will happen.
Ask yourself, how does your teen or tween react when they lose something, when they’re disappointed (they don’t make the team or don’t get the part), when they have a conflict with a friend or a sibling, when they must do something, they don’t want to do. If they are like my kids sometimes it’s not pretty. During these moments you may feel like yelling at them, helping them problem solve, or making light of the problem, but these strategies don’t work. Creating a self-soothing kit is like investing a little insurance to make sure you can get through the situation without making the situation worse.
A self-soothing kit is a collection of items to have on hand to use when the meltdown hits. The idea is to use the items in the kit to bring down the level of emotional pain so you can make the next right choice (solve the problem, accept the problem, rethink the problem, etc.)
I’ve created a free PDF with instructions for making your own self-soothing kit. Use the form below to download:
It might be fun to work with your tween or teen to tailor the items to them. Find a box, bag or basket and assemble things that can help you get through a difficult moment. Think about triggering the 5 senses. Stimulating the senses can shift the focus from the emotion and reduce its intensity. My suggestions are not exhaustive. Add your own ideas. It’s important to practice using kit before the meltdown hits to figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Again, I strongly recommend creating a self-soothing kit for everyone in the family. Do it together and a make a fun project out of it. Trying out the kit with mild annoyances before you need it for big meltdowns. Also, you can combine the activities to make them more effective. Remember, the purpose of the crisis survival kit is not to solve the problem at hand. The purpose is to reduce emotional suffering for your teen (and yourself).
If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The DBT Self-Soothing Kit is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.