With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several episodes I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. In today’s episode I’m talking about problem solving options
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been struggling lately. Seasonal depression has hit me hard and the things that typically work have been less effective. I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard the same thing from several of my clients.
Yesterday one of my clients told me he’d had a really bad day. He’d gotten bad news. He was waitlisted at his dream college. He’d been told by everyone that admission was as much as guaranteed. For months he’d been counting on getting in and he couldn’t picture himself anywhere else. He was understandably devastated. When he found out last night started having self-destructive urges again and they were so powerful he almost acted on them. It had been so long since he had such intense urges. He’d be working so hard in therapy, and he thought all that was behind him. He was feeling like a failure. Like he just wanted to give up. Totally understandable. It can be scary when you’re taken off guard by a setback. In this case, the client was having an understandable reaction to a really upsetting situation. But, for him it felt so much like past moments of struggle that he felt like he had returned to square one. Like all the work he’d been doing was for nothing. And that feeling made him feel like giving up and giving in to old urges.
I asked, “Did you act on your urges?” “No, but the intensity of my emotion was so strong, and I felt like I couldn’t handle it.” “What did you end up doing?” “I watched some tv to distract myself then I went to bed.” How are you feeling now? A little better, but still not great.” “And you didn’t act on your urges?” “No.”
“This is a huge win.” “What do you mean? I feel like crap.” “I know and that stinks, AND you didn’t do anything to make the situation worse. Think about the last time you acted on your urges. It was when you and Jessica broke up. You got drunk, cut your legs, and ended up in a hospital.” “Yeah, that really sucked. I had to give up the lead in the musical and missed the tryouts for all-county band.” “Right, acting on your urges didn’t fix the original problem and it created a lot of other problems for you.” “But I still feel lousy?” “I know. I wish I could take away your pain in the moment. I really do. I know how important getting into that college is.”
When we encounter problems in life, we have choices about how to respond.
1. You can solve the problem: In this case, your problem is a wait and see situation that can be easily solved.
2. You can change how you feel about the problem: Last night you weren’t able to take a step back and regulate your emotions. The intensity was such that it was difficult to think reasonably last night.
3. You can tolerate the problem: Use skills to distract yourself so you don’t act on your self-destructive urges. This was what you did. By watching TV and going to bed you tolerated the problem.
4. Stay miserable or make the situation worse: You feel a bit better and most importantly you did end up back in the hospital or worse.
Sometimes being skillful does not result in feeling better. Sometimes our skills just help us tolerate pain. You got through a painful moment without doing something you’d regret. That’s a huge win.
Working hard in therapy doesn’t guarantee a pain free life. However, it really helps all of us get through difficult moments. Whether it’s a disappointment or a seasonal increase in depression. Doing the work makes any problem more manageable.
When you’re ready we can take about feeling better about the problem. Checking the facts and figuring out what you might be telling yourself that is not based in fact. But here’s what I know. I good friend of mine is a high school English teacher. Every year he has students who don’t get into their dream schools, and they catastrophize that their lives are ruined as a result. Inevitably they come back a year later after being in what every college they go to, and they tell him how happy they are. This rejection is not the end of the world. Its understandably painful. And it won’t destroy you.
If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the DBT Problem Solving Skills available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.