DBT Problem Solving Skills

With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several episodes I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. In today’s episode I’m talking about problem solving options

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been struggling lately. Seasonal depression has hit me hard and the things that typically work have been less effective. I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard the same thing from several of my clients.

Yesterday one of my clients told me he’d had a really bad day. He’d gotten bad news. He was waitlisted at his dream college. He’d been told by everyone that admission was as much as guaranteed. For months he’d been counting on getting in and he couldn’t picture himself anywhere else. He was understandably devastated. When he found out last night started having self-destructive urges again and they were so powerful he almost acted on them. It had been so long since he had such intense urges. He’d be working so hard in therapy, and he thought all that was behind him. He was feeling like a failure. Like he just wanted to give up. Totally understandable. It can be scary when you’re taken off guard by a setback. In this case, the client was having an understandable reaction to a really upsetting situation. But, for him it felt so much like past moments of struggle that he felt like he had returned to square one. Like all the work he’d been doing was for nothing. And that feeling made him feel like giving up and giving in to old urges.

I asked, “Did you act on your urges?” “No, but the intensity of my emotion was so strong, and I felt like I couldn’t handle it.” “What did you end up doing?” “I watched some tv to distract myself then I went to bed.” How are you feeling now? A little better, but still not great.” “And you didn’t act on your urges?” “No.”

“This is a huge win.” “What do you mean? I feel like crap.” “I know and that stinks, AND you didn’t do anything to make the situation worse. Think about the last time you acted on your urges. It was when you and Jessica broke up. You got drunk, cut your legs, and ended up in a hospital.” “Yeah, that really sucked. I had to give up the lead in the musical and missed the tryouts for all-county band.” “Right, acting on your urges didn’t fix the original problem and it created a lot of other problems for you.” “But I still feel lousy?” “I know. I wish I could take away your pain in the moment. I really do. I know how important getting into that college is.”

When we encounter problems in life, we have choices about how to respond.

1.     You can solve the problem: In this case, your problem is a wait and see situation that can be easily solved.

2.     You can change how you feel about the problem: Last night you weren’t able to take a step back and regulate your emotions. The intensity was such that it was difficult to think reasonably last night.

3.     You can tolerate the problem: Use skills to distract yourself so you don’t act on your self-destructive urges. This was what you did. By watching TV and going to bed you tolerated the problem.

4.     Stay miserable or make the situation worse: You feel a bit better and most importantly you did end up back in the hospital or worse.

Sometimes being skillful does not result in feeling better. Sometimes our skills just help us tolerate pain. You got through a painful moment without doing something you’d regret. That’s a huge win.

Working hard in therapy doesn’t guarantee a pain free life. However, it really helps all of us get through difficult moments. Whether it’s a disappointment or a seasonal increase in depression. Doing the work makes any problem more manageable.

When you’re ready we can take about feeling better about the problem. Checking the facts and figuring out what you might be telling yourself that is not based in fact. But here’s what I know. I good friend of mine is a high school English teacher. Every year he has students who don’t get into their dream schools, and they catastrophize that their lives are ruined as a result. Inevitably they come back a year later after being in what every college they go to, and they tell him how happy they are. This rejection is not the end of the world. Its understandably painful. And it won’t destroy you.

If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the DBT Problem Solving Skills available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.

Empathize with Your Teen with the DBT Validation Skill

With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several post, I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. This post is addresses validation, the foundation of every successful relationship. This DBT skill teaches that everyone’s (parents and teens) emotional experience is understandable.

The other day my teen came downstairs in a panic about 5 minutes before he needed to leave for school. His hair was not doing what he wanted. He was freaking out that he couldn’t go to school looking like he did. Of course, I looked at him and thought he's gorgeous. He's beautiful. What's the problem? I have no idea. I want to say your fine or get a hat, but I know in that moment his mind is being ruled by his emotions. He's in emotion mind. He’s not able to problem solve and telling him to get a hat will be like adding gas to his emotional fire.

Instead, I tried to put myself in his shoes. My mind went back to my own high school years…way back in the eighties. As many of you fellow big bang wearers can attest if the humidity level wasn't correct, and all the stars weren't aligned, my bangs would not do what I wanted them to do. And bad bangs aren’t pretty (I’m not sure good bangs are pretty, but it was the 80s and we did what we did.) When my bangs didn’t cooperate, I remember feeling angry, frustrated and panicked. How could I do to school looking like this? It's not a logical feeling and it's not something you can talk somebody out of or problem-solve around. So, what can you do? Validation.

Validation lets the other person know that their personal experiences (thoughts, actions, emotions) are understandable. One of the biggest mistakes I see well intentioned parents making is not validating their kids. We parent with our perspective in mind, not our kid’s perspective. We lead with making light of their feeling “that’s ridiculous. You’re making a big deal of nothing.” Or we lead with problem solving. “You don’t have to freak out this problem is totally fixable.” Or we lead with punishment, “If you don’t pull it together, you’re going to be grounded.” And that just doesn't work.

We want to send our kids the message that what they’re feeling is understandable given their experience in this moment. Even if you think it's ridiculous, don't tell your kids that they're being ridiculous. Because then they just think, you’re not hearing them, you don't get it. Never has a kid said “Oh, I’m being ridiculous? Thank you for letting me know that mother. I’ll stop freaking out about my hair and grab a hat.” That will never happen. No. When you tell them they are being ridiculous that will make the situation worse. They will think something like “I feel really upset and now I’m pissed at you because you don't get me.” It's not helpful.

And remember that everything that I tell you is because I want to help reduce your suffering and your kids' suffering.

Many parents will tell me they are afraid to validate because they don’t want their kids to think they agree with their behavior. Validate the valid not the invalid. Everyone’s emotional experience is valid. It may not be effective but it’s valid. Telling someone not to feel what they feel is like telling them to go out in the rain and not get wet. When your teen is stressed because they have a project due tomorrow that they haven’t started on validate the feeling. “I get it that sounds really stressful.” Don’t validate the procrastination.

Why be validating?

1.     It’s good for the relationship. This is your child, you love them, you will know this person for the rest of your life, and you may need them to take care of you at some point (ha ha).

2.     It’s effective. Validation allows you to let the air out of the emotional tires. It moves the situation from “I’m right and your wrong” to “I see why you feel that way given the circumstances.”

3.     It’s kind. Invalidation is painful. Telling someone they are overreacting, manipulative, ridiculous or wrong is hurtful.

Tips on validating:

1.     Listen: put down your phone, make eye contact and pay attention to what is being said.

2.     Validate with facial expressions, body language and tone of voice: don’t smirk, laugh, moan, groan, roll your eyes, walk away, cross your arms Infront of your chest or appear inpatient or uncaring.

3.     Reflect what you observe: “I see you’re really upset.”

4.     Communicate understanding: Let them know you see where they are coming from. “It’s no wonder you’re angry given the situation.” “I get why that feels scary to you.”

5.     Find the valid even when you don’t agree with the behavior: “I understand why you missed curfew to hang out with your friends. You didn’t want to miss out. And it really worries me when you don’t come home on time, and I can’t contact you.” Please be home by curfew.

Remember to also validate yourself. Your emotions and experience are understandable, too. Parenting teens is hard. You don’t have to strive for perfection, but just do your best, forgive your mistakes when they happen and meet yourself with the same grace and understanding you give your child.

If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The DBT Validation Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.

IT'S NOT PERSONAL IT'S ADOLESCENCE: A Parent’s Guide for Surviving Teen Mood Swings

An adolescent brain is developing at about the same rate a 2 year old brain develops. Additionally, due to school hours, activities and homework most teens don’t get enough sleep so adolescence is like the terrible two’s the second time around, but this time in a sleep deprived state. Try to look at your teen’s outbursts, insults, etc. like toddler tantrums. They are caused by spikes in anger when any slight is even perceived. During these spikes he or she is literally not thinking straight. You may notice that 30 minutes later (or less) he or she will likely be fine…as if nothing happened. This occurs because the teen has cooled down and returned to an emotional baseline. Just as with toddler tantrums these outburst are not about you and shouldn’t be taken personally. Of course, not taking it personally is easier said than done. So the real question is how not to take it personally? Here some tips:

Practice, practice, practice. Remind yourself everyday that this is a developmental phase not a personal assault on you…no matter how good he or she gets a pushing your buttons.

Vent. Just because it’s not personal does not mean it’s not uncomfortable. Talk to your partner, talk to a family member, talk to a friend or talk to a therapist to help put things in perspective.

Use what he or she gives you. The pain that you are feeling can inform you about what is going on within your teen’s mind. That rage, hopelessness, frustration, fear, etc. will give you a picture of the turmoil your teen is feeling. Hopefully, this will allow you to be more empathetic and less hurt or angry.

Don’t engage. When your teen starts to yell, say hurtful things, be disrespectful don’t reciprocate. You don’t want to say something you will regret.

Consequences. There should be consequence for negative (and positive) behavior. This helps to empower you as a parent and it helps your teen know what to expect. (see my tips on creating consequences for assistance in this area).

Seek help. If your teen’s outburst seem unusually frequent or intense. If his or her behavior has changed significantly in a short amount of time. If you’ve noticed changes in eating or sleeping habits, decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities, change in friends, increase isolation, etc. Trust your instincts and seek professional help.