Empathize with Your Teen with the DBT Validation Skill

With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several post, I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. This post is addresses validation, the foundation of every successful relationship. This DBT skill teaches that everyone’s (parents and teens) emotional experience is understandable.

The other day my teen came downstairs in a panic about 5 minutes before he needed to leave for school. His hair was not doing what he wanted. He was freaking out that he couldn’t go to school looking like he did. Of course, I looked at him and thought he's gorgeous. He's beautiful. What's the problem? I have no idea. I want to say your fine or get a hat, but I know in that moment his mind is being ruled by his emotions. He's in emotion mind. He’s not able to problem solve and telling him to get a hat will be like adding gas to his emotional fire.

Instead, I tried to put myself in his shoes. My mind went back to my own high school years…way back in the eighties. As many of you fellow big bang wearers can attest if the humidity level wasn't correct, and all the stars weren't aligned, my bangs would not do what I wanted them to do. And bad bangs aren’t pretty (I’m not sure good bangs are pretty, but it was the 80s and we did what we did.) When my bangs didn’t cooperate, I remember feeling angry, frustrated and panicked. How could I do to school looking like this? It's not a logical feeling and it's not something you can talk somebody out of or problem-solve around. So, what can you do? Validation.

Validation lets the other person know that their personal experiences (thoughts, actions, emotions) are understandable. One of the biggest mistakes I see well intentioned parents making is not validating their kids. We parent with our perspective in mind, not our kid’s perspective. We lead with making light of their feeling “that’s ridiculous. You’re making a big deal of nothing.” Or we lead with problem solving. “You don’t have to freak out this problem is totally fixable.” Or we lead with punishment, “If you don’t pull it together, you’re going to be grounded.” And that just doesn't work.

We want to send our kids the message that what they’re feeling is understandable given their experience in this moment. Even if you think it's ridiculous, don't tell your kids that they're being ridiculous. Because then they just think, you’re not hearing them, you don't get it. Never has a kid said “Oh, I’m being ridiculous? Thank you for letting me know that mother. I’ll stop freaking out about my hair and grab a hat.” That will never happen. No. When you tell them they are being ridiculous that will make the situation worse. They will think something like “I feel really upset and now I’m pissed at you because you don't get me.” It's not helpful.

And remember that everything that I tell you is because I want to help reduce your suffering and your kids' suffering.

Many parents will tell me they are afraid to validate because they don’t want their kids to think they agree with their behavior. Validate the valid not the invalid. Everyone’s emotional experience is valid. It may not be effective but it’s valid. Telling someone not to feel what they feel is like telling them to go out in the rain and not get wet. When your teen is stressed because they have a project due tomorrow that they haven’t started on validate the feeling. “I get it that sounds really stressful.” Don’t validate the procrastination.

Why be validating?

1.     It’s good for the relationship. This is your child, you love them, you will know this person for the rest of your life, and you may need them to take care of you at some point (ha ha).

2.     It’s effective. Validation allows you to let the air out of the emotional tires. It moves the situation from “I’m right and your wrong” to “I see why you feel that way given the circumstances.”

3.     It’s kind. Invalidation is painful. Telling someone they are overreacting, manipulative, ridiculous or wrong is hurtful.

Tips on validating:

1.     Listen: put down your phone, make eye contact and pay attention to what is being said.

2.     Validate with facial expressions, body language and tone of voice: don’t smirk, laugh, moan, groan, roll your eyes, walk away, cross your arms Infront of your chest or appear inpatient or uncaring.

3.     Reflect what you observe: “I see you’re really upset.”

4.     Communicate understanding: Let them know you see where they are coming from. “It’s no wonder you’re angry given the situation.” “I get why that feels scary to you.”

5.     Find the valid even when you don’t agree with the behavior: “I understand why you missed curfew to hang out with your friends. You didn’t want to miss out. And it really worries me when you don’t come home on time, and I can’t contact you.” Please be home by curfew.

Remember to also validate yourself. Your emotions and experience are understandable, too. Parenting teens is hard. You don’t have to strive for perfection, but just do your best, forgive your mistakes when they happen and meet yourself with the same grace and understanding you give your child.

If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The DBT Validation Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.

Change Your Perspective with the DBT THINK Skill

With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several episodes, I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. In today’s episode, I’ll teach the DBT Think skill, created by Adolescent DBT experts, Alec Miller, and Jill Rathus. This skill helps you rethink your initial negative assumptions about your teen’s behavior.

Interpersonal effectiveness - THINK skills

As humans, we tend to fill in the gaps when we don’t have all the information. And if we're angry, anxious, frustrated, we're not jumping to positive conclusions. we're not filling in the gaps with rainbows and butterflies. We're filling in the gaps with, “They did that on purpose.” “They don't appreciate anything I do for them.” “They are always so disrespectful.” The problem is this line of thinking is not helpful and it’s not true (and even if it was, we wouldn’t know because we can read other people’s minds). These are all negative assumptions, interpretations and conclusions that make us feel worse and don’t help us connect or solve problems. The “THINK” skills were created to help you take a step back from that negative line of thinking to figure out what else could be true. The think skills help us reduce the power struggle that often develops between parents and teens.

Here's a typical example. You ask your teen to take out the garbage, clean their room, empty the dishwasher or the like and a few hours later you see that it hasn’t been done. What goes through your mind?

I’m guessing something along the lines of: they don’t listen, they don’t have any respect, they won’t be able to live on their own, and on and on. Now you’re really upset. When this happens to me, my mom impulse is to shout at them. But the therapist in me knows that while that might feel good and it might even get them to do what I want in the very short term, but I’m teaching them the way to get your needs met is by shouting and shaming people. That’s not my goal. So, what can you do instead? Practice the THINK SKILL.

How do you do it? As is true with many DBT Skills THINK is an acronym to help make the steps memorable.

THE “T” IS THINK DIFFERENTLY:

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What is their motivation? Were they really trying to do something mean to you on purpose? “My guess is your kid was not trying to upset you.”

THE “H” IS HAVE EMPATHY:

Are they emotionally vulnerable? Are they stressed out about something, worried about something? What's going on with them? Or do they even understand where you're coming from? And maybe you need to clarify. “Have you ever forgotten to do something?

THE “I” IS INTERPRETATION:

What are other interpretations of the persons actions? Make a list of as many as you can think of. Make sure to include one positive or at least neutral interpretation.

they just forgot, they saw something shiny, they got a call, text, or snap, the intended to do it later, they think taking out the garbage is a waste of time and should never be done

The “N” IS Notice:  Notice other times your teen has been helpful or considerate. Maybe you don’t feel the person is on your side, but when have they shown you compassion or been sensitive to your needs in the past.  Maybe they are under stress, tired, hungry, or otherwise emotionally vulnerable.

Remember all those times they babysit their siblings for free even when they have other things they’d rather do

The "K" is Kindness:

Look on the person with kindness. Remember moments they have been kind and caring to you. Can you offer them the same kindness?

Remember that time they told you how proud they were to have a mom who helps people or a dad who is so talented. Or in those fleeting moments when they said you were “cool.”

Those are the moments that count. That’s what they really think. Now proceed with them with those things in mind rather than shouting say: I noticed you didn’t take the garbage out; I’d really appreciate it if you could do it.

The think skills also works well when you find yourself at opposite ends of a more serious conflicts. Remember were not just raising teens were cultivating relationships with people we will know and love forever. We may need these people to take care of us someday.

If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The DBT THINK Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.

Stop Parent/Teen Arguments with the DBT Stop Skill

The other day I got into a disagreement with my son. He’s a teenager and this is not an uncommon situation. He wanted to go out with friend, and he needed to finish homework. The situation escalated quickly. He started yelling at me and telling me I’m a terrible mother. Then he ran upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. This of course made me angry. How dare he say I’m a bad mother? I’m constantly making sacrifices for him. Who does he think he is? As a mom, my impulse was to run upstairs behind him, bang on his door and demand that he come out and apologize. As a therapist, I know that would likely have make the situation worse. So, what could I do instead of acting on my emotions, the stop skill.

The DBT Stop Skill is the answer will stop an argument in it’s tracks.

We’ve all been in that situation at one time or another. Emotion mind takes over creating the intense urge to act impulsively. When that happens, the last thing we should do is have a conversation, problem solve or confront someone. When emotions are high, we must get back to an even keel or risk making the situation worse. When my son ran upstairs I practiced the STOP Skill.

STOP is another DBT Acronym that stands for:

• Stop

• Take a Step back

• Observe

• Proceed mindfully

§  STOP

• Don’t React, just freeze

• Stay in control, if you notice yourself starting to get angry or out of control take a pause. It’s much more effective to pause and consider your next move than to act on your emotions. It might seem weird or uncomfortable to pause, but it’s much worse to act on your emotions.

§  Take A Step Back

• Physically or in your mind

• Give yourself time to calm down and think

• Take a deep breath

• Don’t be controlled by emotion, while your emotion is valid and understandable, acting on your emotion will likely make the situation worse.

•  You are not your emotion, emotions are powerful, especially anger which motivates use to act, but we don’t have to follow that action urge.

• After you take a step back you might have to use some crisis survival skills, paced breathing, intense exercise, etc. to get back to an even keel. Do whatever you have to do to keep from acting on your emotions and doing something you’ll regret.

§  Observe

• Notice what is going on in your mind and body

• Remind yourself of your goal in the situation? So often our goal gets lost in the shuffle when things get emotionally intense. Anger makes us feel like we must prove our point or win the argument. But there is not prize for winning this argument.

• Mindfully gather the relevant facts

• What are others doing or saying? Are they upset? You don’t want to continue the conversation until all parties are ready.

• What are your options? Continue the conversation in a calmer state of mind, table to conversation for another day, write an email if the conversation is too emotionally charged to do in person.

§  Proceed mindfully

• ONLY WHEN YOU AND THE OTHERS IN THE CONVERSATION ARE READY, return the situation when you can act calmly with your goals and values in mind. This may take minutes or it may take hours or days.

• Being mindful is the opposite of acting on your emotions

In the above scenario, I had to wait hours for both me and my son to be ready to talk. During that time, I exercised, vented to a friend and distracted myself with a favorite NETFLIX show. When he was ready, he came down and apologized for his outburst and what he said. As many of us do he said things he didn’t mean when he was very angry. I often liken these teen outbursts to toddler tantrum with better vocabulary. They aren’t personal, but they feel personal and very painful.

Then he told me he was stressed about some things at school, and he was sorry to have taken out his stress on me. His father and I were able to validate his perspective and discuss a way for him to get his work done and see his friends. The bottom line is if we’d continued the initial conversation, it would have taken a lot longer to get to the solution, and we all would have said things we regretted. The STOP Skill isn’t easy. In fact, it might serve you to practice the skill when the stakes are low, and you’re just a little upset. And as with everything the more you practice the easier it will become.

If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The STOP Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.

Improve Your Life With DBT: Mindfulness

“Mindfulness is paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment."  Jon Kabat-Zinn When I first heard the word mindfulness it sounded like new age nonsense.  I couldn’t understand how it could help with everything from decreasing depression to increasing concentration to effectively manage pain.   But when I began to practice mindfulness, it became very clear how beneficial it could be.  The fact is that the benefits of practicing mindfulness are endless.  But you can’t just read about it.  You have to try it.  In this on-going series about improving your life with DBT Skills, this week’s topic is mindfulness.

Here are a few ways mindfulness is helpful:

Mindfulness gets us out of our heads and into our lives.  So many of us have a tape playing in our heads that is chockfull of criticisms, judgments and worries. (I’m stupid, I don’t deserve happiness, nothing will every get better).  Mindfulness helps us stop believing the negative messages in our heads, stop comparing this moment to any other, stop thinking about what should be and just be present in this moment.  This is particularly important for those who struggle with depression because those negative messages can spiral into an episode of depression.

Mindfulness helps us focus on one thing at a time.  I know multi-tasking is all the rage.  We are texting while listening to music while watching TV while talking on the phone.  Our attention is so divided and superficial that we are not really experiencing our life.  When we focus on one thing in the moment we are much more engaged, much less distracted and much more effective.

Mindfulness helps us accept reality as it.  When we fight again reality we are fighting a losing battle and ultimately creating more suffering for ourselves.  Mindfulness teaches us to stop fighting that which we cannot change.

So the question is how to you practice mindfulness? Like any other skill we learn in life, mindfulness is best learned step by step.  Observing and describing are the teaching steps that get us to the goal of participating.

1.  Observe:  The first step is observing, just noticing your experiences right now...notice sensations in your body.  Notice smells, tastes, textures, sights, thoughts, feelings, anything that may be part of you current experience.  Just notice without judgment.

2.  Describe:  Now put words to your experiences.  The idea is to clarify what you have noticed to yourself and to others.  Stick to the observable facts, and stay away from judgments.

3.  Participate:  Once you have practiced observing and describing your experiences its time to participate.  Throw yourself fully into the moment.  Participate completely and unselfconsciously, if you’re eating just eat, if you’re dancing just dance.  If you watch children at play they are always participating.  They are not worried about how they look, or what they are doing later they are completely engaged in the moment.

Try the simple mindfulness exercises: 

Taste something mindfully (a mint, gum, a cup of tea).

Play with play dough or silly putty mindfully

Notice your thoughts mindfully (watch them float by like clouds, don’t become attached to any of them).  Remember thoughts aren’t necessarily truths.