The other day I got into a disagreement with my son. He’s a teenager and this is not an uncommon situation. He wanted to go out with friend, and he needed to finish homework. The situation escalated quickly. He started yelling at me and telling me I’m a terrible mother. Then he ran upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. This of course made me angry. How dare he say I’m a bad mother? I’m constantly making sacrifices for him. Who does he think he is? As a mom, my impulse was to run upstairs behind him, bang on his door and demand that he come out and apologize. As a therapist, I know that would likely have make the situation worse. So, what could I do instead of acting on my emotions, the stop skill.
The DBT Stop Skill is the answer will stop an argument in it’s tracks.
We’ve all been in that situation at one time or another. Emotion mind takes over creating the intense urge to act impulsively. When that happens, the last thing we should do is have a conversation, problem solve or confront someone. When emotions are high, we must get back to an even keel or risk making the situation worse. When my son ran upstairs I practiced the STOP Skill.
STOP is another DBT Acronym that stands for:
Stop
Take a Step back
Observe
Proceed mindfully
§ STOP
Don’t React, just freeze
Stay in control, if you notice yourself starting to get angry or out of control take a pause. It’s much more effective to pause and consider your next move than to act on your emotions. It might seem weird or uncomfortable to pause, but it’s much worse to act on your emotions.
§ Take A Step Back
Physically or in your mind
Give yourself time to calm down and think
Take a deep breath
Don’t be controlled by emotion, while your emotion is valid and understandable, acting on your emotion will likely make the situation worse.
You are not your emotion, emotions are powerful, especially anger which motivates use to act, but we don’t have to follow that action urge.
After you take a step back you might have to use some crisis survival skills, paced breathing, intense exercise, etc. to get back to an even keel. Do whatever you have to do to keep from acting on your emotions and doing something you’ll regret.
§ Observe
Notice what is going on in your mind and body
Remind yourself of your goal in the situation? So often our goal gets lost in the shuffle when things get emotionally intense. Anger makes us feel like we must prove our point or win the argument. But there is not prize for winning this argument.
Mindfully gather the relevant facts
What are others doing or saying? Are they upset? You don’t want to continue the conversation until all parties are ready.
What are your options? Continue the conversation in a calmer state of mind, table to conversation for another day, write an email if the conversation is too emotionally charged to do in person.
§ Proceed mindfully
ONLY WHEN YOU AND THE OTHERS IN THE CONVERSATION ARE READY, return the situation when you can act calmly with your goals and values in mind. This may take minutes or it may take hours or days.
Being mindful is the opposite of acting on your emotions
In the above scenario, I had to wait hours for both me and my son to be ready to talk. During that time, I exercised, vented to a friend and distracted myself with a favorite NETFLIX show. When he was ready, he came down and apologized for his outburst and what he said. As many of us do he said things he didn’t mean when he was very angry. I often liken these teen outbursts to toddler tantrum with better vocabulary. They aren’t personal, but they feel personal and very painful.
Then he told me he was stressed about some things at school, and he was sorry to have taken out his stress on me. His father and I were able to validate his perspective and discuss a way for him to get his work done and see his friends. The bottom line is if we’d continued the initial conversation, it would have taken a lot longer to get to the solution, and we all would have said things we regretted. The STOP Skill isn’t easy. In fact, it might serve you to practice the skill when the stakes are low, and you’re just a little upset. And as with everything the more you practice the easier it will become.
If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The STOP Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.