With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several post, I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. This post is addresses validation, the foundation of every successful relationship. This DBT skill teaches that everyone’s (parents and teens) emotional experience is understandable.
The other day my teen came downstairs in a panic about 5 minutes before he needed to leave for school. His hair was not doing what he wanted. He was freaking out that he couldn’t go to school looking like he did. Of course, I looked at him and thought he's gorgeous. He's beautiful. What's the problem? I have no idea. I want to say your fine or get a hat, but I know in that moment his mind is being ruled by his emotions. He's in emotion mind. He’s not able to problem solve and telling him to get a hat will be like adding gas to his emotional fire.
Instead, I tried to put myself in his shoes. My mind went back to my own high school years…way back in the eighties. As many of you fellow big bang wearers can attest if the humidity level wasn't correct, and all the stars weren't aligned, my bangs would not do what I wanted them to do. And bad bangs aren’t pretty (I’m not sure good bangs are pretty, but it was the 80s and we did what we did.) When my bangs didn’t cooperate, I remember feeling angry, frustrated and panicked. How could I do to school looking like this? It's not a logical feeling and it's not something you can talk somebody out of or problem-solve around. So, what can you do? Validation.
Validation lets the other person know that their personal experiences (thoughts, actions, emotions) are understandable. One of the biggest mistakes I see well intentioned parents making is not validating their kids. We parent with our perspective in mind, not our kid’s perspective. We lead with making light of their feeling “that’s ridiculous. You’re making a big deal of nothing.” Or we lead with problem solving. “You don’t have to freak out this problem is totally fixable.” Or we lead with punishment, “If you don’t pull it together, you’re going to be grounded.” And that just doesn't work.
We want to send our kids the message that what they’re feeling is understandable given their experience in this moment. Even if you think it's ridiculous, don't tell your kids that they're being ridiculous. Because then they just think, you’re not hearing them, you don't get it. Never has a kid said “Oh, I’m being ridiculous? Thank you for letting me know that mother. I’ll stop freaking out about my hair and grab a hat.” That will never happen. No. When you tell them they are being ridiculous that will make the situation worse. They will think something like “I feel really upset and now I’m pissed at you because you don't get me.” It's not helpful.
And remember that everything that I tell you is because I want to help reduce your suffering and your kids' suffering.
Many parents will tell me they are afraid to validate because they don’t want their kids to think they agree with their behavior. Validate the valid not the invalid. Everyone’s emotional experience is valid. It may not be effective but it’s valid. Telling someone not to feel what they feel is like telling them to go out in the rain and not get wet. When your teen is stressed because they have a project due tomorrow that they haven’t started on validate the feeling. “I get it that sounds really stressful.” Don’t validate the procrastination.
Why be validating?
1. It’s good for the relationship. This is your child, you love them, you will know this person for the rest of your life, and you may need them to take care of you at some point (ha ha).
2. It’s effective. Validation allows you to let the air out of the emotional tires. It moves the situation from “I’m right and your wrong” to “I see why you feel that way given the circumstances.”
3. It’s kind. Invalidation is painful. Telling someone they are overreacting, manipulative, ridiculous or wrong is hurtful.
Tips on validating:
1. Listen: put down your phone, make eye contact and pay attention to what is being said.
2. Validate with facial expressions, body language and tone of voice: don’t smirk, laugh, moan, groan, roll your eyes, walk away, cross your arms Infront of your chest or appear inpatient or uncaring.
3. Reflect what you observe: “I see you’re really upset.”
4. Communicate understanding: Let them know you see where they are coming from. “It’s no wonder you’re angry given the situation.” “I get why that feels scary to you.”
5. Find the valid even when you don’t agree with the behavior: “I understand why you missed curfew to hang out with your friends. You didn’t want to miss out. And it really worries me when you don’t come home on time, and I can’t contact you.” Please be home by curfew.
Remember to also validate yourself. Your emotions and experience are understandable, too. Parenting teens is hard. You don’t have to strive for perfection, but just do your best, forgive your mistakes when they happen and meet yourself with the same grace and understanding you give your child.
If you connected with what you read here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. An audio version of the The DBT Validation Skill is available on my podcast, A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.